Tag Archives: Stress

The Latest.

17 Sep

Today I had my scheduled appointment for a NST (non-stress test). Before I get to results and everything, I should mention Saturday.

So, on Saturday, baby wasn’t moving very much at all. Typically she is a VERY active baby. So much so, that I asked the doctor if it was normal for that much movement. So, when she wasn’t moving throughout the day, during kick counting, or even when I nudged her multiple times, I was very worried. Especially since Cholestasis has been in question. I decided to go to the hospital that evening and see if everything was okay. I have to admit I had a mini cry sesh in the bathroom before hand because I was so worried, but I got it together in front of everyone. 

We got to the hospital, and I didn’t want to be a burden or for the nurses to think I was being dramatic, so I just explained things and mentioned I had been tested for the Cholestasis earlier that week. They were all so nice and took me into a room where they hooked me up for a NST. As soon as they put the monitors on my belly, she started going nuts! It was like she was stomping on the monitor. I felt stupid of course, like they would think I was lying or just being dramatic. But I really wouldn’t have went in if I wasn’t genuinely concerned. She said, “It happens all the time. We prefer you come in and everything be fine, than to wait and for things to not be fine.”

She moved around the entire test. The nurse assured me everything looked great. I was having contractions the whole time. Since they were Braxton Hicks level, she said it was totally normal, especially being under stress. It was uncomfortable, but I wasn’t worried about them. They were countless. 

The on-call doctor asked for them to do an ultrasound just to double check everything was A-okay. I was excited because I had been expecting an ultrasound since I had one with Rayne around 31 weeks and my doctor hadn’t even mentioned one this time. During the ultrasound the very sweet and generous technician explained every step to me and my parents, let my mom talk to baby while watching her reaction, and even print me out pictures, even though the ultrasound wasn’t for pictures or my enjoyment, she made it very enjoyable. I even got to see her cute face practicing breathing. Everything looked perfect. I had been worried about her position, but the technician assured me she was “locked in” in head down position. In fact, she took a look at my cervix for measurement, and sure enough, baby’s head was RIGHT there, at the gate, ready to go. HUGE RELIEF.


After the ultrasound I was taken back to the room for more NST. Contractions proceeded. But I was assured everything looked great. The nurse even told me in her 13 years of nursing in labor and delivery, she hadn’t seen a Cholestasis patient have a bad ending. I was so glad they were all so helpful and understanding. Especially since I will be delivering at that hospital, and wasn’t sure what to expect.

Today during my second NST, the contractions happened as they did the first time. In the matter of 30 minutes I had about 5-6 contractions. But baby did great. I FINALLY got the results of my blood work, and I tested negative for Cholestasis. HOWEVER, my doctor did warn me a week ago (before the test), it sometimes is too early to show up in a blood test. So, she says we will do another blood test next week, as I will be coming in weekly still for the NSTs to keep an eye on baby and my contractions. Things look good from that test, but since my symptoms are a classic fit for Cholestasis, we will be keeping an eye on it, since it does usually just get worse. I’m hoping my levels stay low so I can have the birth experience I dream of. I’m happy that things are looking good right now. And am really trying to stay positive. I’m so happy that I can trust my doctor and the awesome nurses to be proactive in this with me.

I will update again after next weeks appointment! 


My Biggest Fear As Of Now.

21 Aug

It’s no secret that I could be qualified as a worry wort. I have always suffered from anxiety. I have my calm times, when I manage to control any worry I have. But, then I have times when my worries tend to pile up and stress becomes overwhelming. This entire pregnancy I have bounced back and forth between being strangely calm, almost numb, to worrying about every little difference between this pregnancy and my last. For the most part I’ve been able to conquer them all. However, the stress and worry that comes with the third trimester is definitely too big and pressuring to stifle. So much so, that they continue to show themselves in my dreams.

My biggest fear as of now, is that I wont be successful at breastfeeding

When I had Rayne, breastfeeding was important to me, but I didn’t have the information, resources or the support to succeed. I tried and had a hard time with having no experience, not a good latcher, no one to help me or encourage me, and the first night home, ended up giving her formula. I spent a month pumping and giving her formula. It hurt me because, well, as they say, breast IS best. I couldn’t give my baby the best. What was suppose to come so natural. I failed. I am glad she was able to get as much as she did in the first 6 weeks from my pumping, but I always beat myself up about not succeeding in giving her what she deserved, the best.
With another chance to succeed on the way, I fear I’ll have the same (if not worse) disappointing failure. It’s so important to me to breastfeed, that I refuse to even buy bottles or formula. I don’t even want to give myself the option, because I know there will be a long period of weakness accompanied by exhaustion, stress, etc. And I refuse to give up, again. The difference now, is I have been opened up to the world of mom/breastfeeding blogs, forums, support groups, etc. I may not have breastfeeding support in my daily life, but I do online (which is to not be underestimated). I read about, speak with, and see photos of countless moms succeeding at breastfeeding and making it the big deal it should be. Not in the “Oh my God, she’s really breastfeeding in public?!” Kind of big deal, but “We are woman, hear us roar!” Kind of big deal. And that’s inspiring.
But honestly, I’m pretty much shaking in my boots about the impending and inevitable attempt at my own success. I want to be one of those moms. I want to inspire someone else to have the confidence to succeed at breastfeeding. But what if I fall flat on my ass and wind up being nothing but another breastfeeding horror story, scaring women away from it? And even worse, having to deal with another round of mom guilt…?
The other night I dreamt I had my baby and suddenly had no idea how to even care for a baby, I couldn’t even hold her right, and definitely couldn’t breastfeed. I just stood there, watching her cry, thinking “What do I do!?“. But that wasn’t my first nightmare. I’m constantly dreaming I’m trying to breastfeed and it just isn’t working! She wont latch or I have no milk. It’s horrifying.
I spend hours online reading tips and other mother’s stories. But they give very little hope, as most stories have many scary parts, implying the impossible struggle, stress and pain of breastfeeding.
I’m trying my best to stay positive and gather information that will do me good when the time comes. But to be honest, I’m officially in full on freak out mode.

Is It Too Much To Ask?/Update

19 Aug

29 weeks and 1 day. 75 days to go. 11 weeks left. Whoa.

It’s gone by so quickly. In my stressful first trimester, and stress-free second trimester, all I wanted was to enjoy this pregnancy without wishing it away so quickly. Now, it’s a different story.

I forgot how trying the third trimester is, especially during summer. It really is true when they say “The honeymoon phase is over”. Between my sleepless nights, severe lack of energy, constant irritability, and sweating my ass (and boobs) off, I just want to have this baby and NOT be pregnant. 

The stress is back and consuming as ever. After being exhausted all day, the second I lay my head down to sleep, the constant thoughts arise. You know, the “I’m 23 and what have I really done with my life?” or “I should probably roll over in my mind all the things that could go wrong during labor, or all the bad things that can ever happen to my kids, or all the things I need to do, or how stressed I am about visiting my biological father after not seeing him for 11 years, or if I can’t get everything done in time for Rayne’s 3rd birthday THIS WEEKEND, or the fact that she’s growing up so fast and it makes me sad because one day my girls will be 16 and most likely hate my guts, or, hey, what if I never get a real career and just continue sucking at life forever????”. Then there is the restless leg syndrom making falling asleep amazingly difficult. Oh, don’t forget the nightly dreams of having my baby and completely forgetting how to care for a baby at all. 

Then there is just the day to day struggle of being alive. I have no energy to clean and do chores and play with my toddler. I hardly do yoga anymore, besides a few stretches here and there to help relieve leg cramps. I do continue to walk, but hardly make it a whole hour due to my aching feet and back, the cramping under the weight of my belly and the fact that I usually have to pee. 

Everyday is a struggle. And the weight of it all (physically, emotionally and mentally) makes it very difficult to even attempt a good mood.

All I want is a healthy baby, a happy toddler, relaxation, and a peace of mind. Is that too much to ask?

19 Weeks And Counting.

10 Jun

Finally getting closer to the half way mark! As time goes on (quickly), I’m getting less stressed and more excited. I’ve received all 19 cloth diapers plus accessories. Suddenly, it’s all feeling ….real. As if the random nudges from inside weren’t real enough. Even with the constant shift between high and low making my head spin, my baby excitement is so far steady. Which is good, because nothing else is going very well right now.

That shaky relationship I’ve mentioned, has since fallen over the edge and is currently on hardly speaking terms. As upsetting as that may seem, that’s how it has to be right now. Besides, I have plenty to keep me busy with my have-to-be-making-noise-and-doing-something-dangerous-at-all-times toddler. With a ton of relationship crap off of my shoulders, I have more space in my mind to deal with myself, baby stuff, and Rayne. Even though that’s still a bit to carry around at the moment, it’s still much better without added on stress.


All I want/need to do right now is focus on my girl, my baby and myself. Does that sound selfish? Because it doesn’t feel selfish.

My Main Current Goals:

  • Find some sort of online work I’m able to do to bring in extra cash.
  • Stay healthy and active.
  • Spend special time with my number one while I can.

Other than that, I don’t see anything else I’d rather focus on. BTW, So excited for the gender reveal this Friday!!!!

Fighting My Fear Of Pregnancy Weight Gain.

25 May

Gaining weight is a natural part of being pregnant. You don’t even really have to try at all, you WILL gain weight. I wish someone had told me that during my first pregnancy. But, instead, I ate whatever I wanted in large amounts. Yes, I could eat two sausage egg and cheese McMuffins and still want more. Yes, I would eat two bacon cheese burgers in one sitting. I ate whatever, whenever. And gained 55 pounds. After I gave birth, I realized how much unnecessary weight I had gained. It was terrible. I felt so ugly and gross and it was not falling off. I got stuck at 162 pounds. My pre-pregnancy weight was 130. I was 32 pounds over my original weight, and where I wanted to be. But feeling gross wasn’t enough to kick my ass into gear. For the first 7 months, I drank soda and energy drinks everyday, ate anything I wanted, including one or two delicious chicken chimichangas a day. Finally, one day, something woke me up. And I decided to take control of my health and stop feeling sorry for myself for being gross.

I worked really hard at counting calories and making better choices. I forced myself to be way more active than before. I was walking up to 3-4 hours a day, plus off and on workouts in the house. After dropping 15 pounds I stopped counting calories and just kept up with being active and being mindful of what I eat. I started in June of 2011 and by that winter I was 30 pounds lighter. The stubborn 2 pounds stuck on for some extra months, but I shook them off eventually. I was so relieved to be healthy again. I felt so good that I set my mind to it, and got it done.

Now, I have to gain weight, and the pounds are not hesitating to jump on. Even though I know it’s part of pregnancy, I’m having a hard time accepting it. As I put on pound after pound (up 9 lbs now), I’m not feeling like a healthy pregnant woman, I’m feeling fat and gross. It’s stressing me out that I have to gain weight. I know I shouldn’t worry about it and just be healthy, and I am trying to be healthy and active, but I’m still so afraid of gaining too much again. I already feel overweight and insecure. I keep hoping that once my belly is more apparent I wont feel so bad about it, but I’m not really sure if I will ease up on myself.

How can I fight these fears? I’m being healthy but it doesn’t seem like enough. Even though I only put on 2 pounds in a month (healthy), It makes me cringe. Is there any get over this? I can’t be the only crazy woman feeling this way, right?

16 Weeks And Counting.

19 May


Sunday, the 18th, I will be entering my 16th week of this pregnancy. This pregnancy has had some major downs, and few ups. But I’m finally starting to feel a difference. As my nausea is reduced to a few certain unmentionable foods, and my rocky relationship is on the mend (well, trying to), I feel a lightness come over me and my cloud of depression ease.

I’ve really been sticking to being much healthier and staying active. I walk an hour a day for at least 5-6 days a week. I do take a day out of the week to be a little loose on the rules (last night I had a Carl’s Jr. Star Burger and 3/4 of a Six Dollar Burger. No regrets). My relationship has been a huge source of stress lately. We’re taking the steps we need to work on our issues, and although it is hard and I mostly want to strangle him, It eases my mind to know we both love each other enough to work it out.

The weeks seem to fly by and before I know it this baby is as big as an avocado (or whatever fruit or vegetable). In a few weeks we’ll be able to learn the gender, Which is very exciting *anyone wanna take bets?*. And Rayne is VERY excited to be a big sister.


Anyways, my point is, there were many times I thought it wasn’t going to get easier, but I was wrong. And I hope things continue to get better so I can enjoy this pregnancy and send tons of love to my growing baby.

I Think I Jinxed Myself.

11 May

In my last post, I complained about all the stress and fears forcing their way upon me. I was really hoping it would get better from there on out. But, not as a surprise to myself, things managed to get worse. As I struggle daily to reject the ever looming depression, and try to stay awake, I seem to have lost all control over my relationship. And in turn, lost the relationship all together. Break ups are hard enough. But breaking up while you’re pregnant is slightly worse.

I’m typically not the type to be all about relationships. I’m one of those people who are better alone and can’t seem to function correctly in a relationship. In fact, it took me three years to decide to be in an official relationship with my best friend and the man I love dearly. But, loving someone and having the guts to go for it, isn’t enough. Since I’ve been pregnant, a wedge has planted itself between us and has only gotten wider and stronger. Unfortunately, it suddenly came to a head. Mistakes were made, nasty words were said, and now we sit on opposite sides of the fence. Of course my hormones had me crying a lot (I’m usually  not a crier). Apologies were said, some things were straightened out, but the end result remains the same.

There are several things that bother me about this separation. One, obviously not being able to have a good relationship with someone I once called my best friend, is not fun. Two, here I am, single and pregnant, AGAIN. Wont my family be so proud. And three, what feels the worst, my daughter who has bonded so well with him, will be wondering where he is and missing him like crazy. My daughter’s biological father is hardly in her life at all. His extent of being a father is paying child support (which I do appreciate), but that’s as far as it goes. The other day, Rayne told me she doesn’t like her dad, because he doesn’t hug or kiss her, he doesn’t play with her or tell her he loves her. I’m not sure if these things are true, but she feels that they are. Rayne’s only chance to see him is once a week when his mom picks her up for their weekend weekly girl’s sleep over. I don’t know how often he is there or what goes on. But I know she isn’t happy with him, but she is happy with the one who’s been there to play with her and enjoy her company. It kills me that she has to suffer because of us. Although he would like to stay in her life and has always been willing to play the dad part for her, I know she wont be seeing much of him due to our issues.

We both love each other very much. And we’re both hoping to work on ourselves and maybe rebuild our friendship. And hopefully in result, be able to be together and handle a relationship someday. Thing is, someday doesn’t help take away what we’re all feeling right now. I was finally feeling like the depression was getting lighter before this, but again, it has set in. I see the fears and the stress and the struggles, taking over my thoughts and not allowing me to enjoy my pregnancy or my toddler.

Any advise for a pregnant mommy with the relationship blues?

Will it get better?

8 May

At 14 and a half weeks pregnant with baby number two, of course I’m carrying quite a bit of fears. I know things are going to get a lot more difficult when the new baby comes. Having a toddler is hard enough, but having a toddler and a baby is going to be exhausting. I don’t like thinking about the stress of the future. But it’s been hitting me harder lately, mostly due to the fact that my first bundle of joy is a little less joyous. My sweet almost 3-year-old has been a fit throwing, screaming, whining, bossy, energizer bunny. Not to mention the pressure of a rocky relationship. Draining me of the very little energy I have left.

I’m not sure how I’m going to handle it all. I’m already so tired and hardly have the patience to deal with everything that’s happening now. The stress keeps building and it’s only getting harder to manage. I’m keeping healthy, and plan on keeping up with staying active and doing yoga. But it hasn’t taken the stress away. I’m really worrying that it’s going to be even harder than I expected in the first place. I can see it now: A new baby in my arms, a screaming toddler at my feet, and the dark circles under my eyes.

How am I going to pull this off?

Daily Bread.

8 May


“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. “Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. “For My yoke is easy, and My load is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

Everything Is Worth It.

2 May
13 1/2 weeks

13 1/2 weeks

As I struggle to keep healthy and fight depression, I looked up at the screen with the warm gel on my growing belly, and I can’t help but feel joy for the tiny life inside me. The fluttering heart, those tiny hands resting over those eyes, the squirming legs kicking to get away from the ultrasound tech, who was pressing on and shaking my belly to get a good view. It was all those little things that make pregnancy so exciting. Seeing what’s going on in there, helps distract me from the stress and fear. That little nose. That’s what makes it all worth it. Everything is worth it.

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