Tag Archives: Second Pregnancy

Is It Too Much To Ask?/Update

19 Aug

29 weeks and 1 day. 75 days to go. 11 weeks left. Whoa.

It’s gone by so quickly. In my stressful first trimester, and stress-free second trimester, all I wanted was to enjoy this pregnancy without wishing it away so quickly. Now, it’s a different story.

I forgot how trying the third trimester is, especially during summer. It really is true when they say “The honeymoon phase is over”. Between my sleepless nights, severe lack of energy, constant irritability, and sweating my ass (and boobs) off, I just want to have this baby and NOT be pregnant. 

The stress is back and consuming as ever. After being exhausted all day, the second I lay my head down to sleep, the constant thoughts arise. You know, the “I’m 23 and what have I really done with my life?” or “I should probably roll over in my mind all the things that could go wrong during labor, or all the bad things that can ever happen to my kids, or all the things I need to do, or how stressed I am about visiting my biological father after not seeing him for 11 years, or if I can’t get everything done in time for Rayne’s 3rd birthday THIS WEEKEND, or the fact that she’s growing up so fast and it makes me sad because one day my girls will be 16 and most likely hate my guts, or, hey, what if I never get a real career and just continue sucking at life forever????”. Then there is the restless leg syndrom making falling asleep amazingly difficult. Oh, don’t forget the nightly dreams of having my baby and completely forgetting how to care for a baby at all. 

Then there is just the day to day struggle of being alive. I have no energy to clean and do chores and play with my toddler. I hardly do yoga anymore, besides a few stretches here and there to help relieve leg cramps. I do continue to walk, but hardly make it a whole hour due to my aching feet and back, the cramping under the weight of my belly and the fact that I usually have to pee. 

Everyday is a struggle. And the weight of it all (physically, emotionally and mentally) makes it very difficult to even attempt a good mood.

All I want is a healthy baby, a happy toddler, relaxation, and a peace of mind. Is that too much to ask?

Worry Wort Mom.

12 Jun

With Friday being the most exciting day in quite a long time, this week seems to be dragging on purposely. I just want it to be Friday so I can see my baby once again on that screen AND see the gender. Is that not one of the most exciting parts of pregnancy!? As I wait…and wait, I feel my energy draining more and more day by day, and my mood gets worse by the minute. Of course when I have no energy Rayne has to test my limits. So, most of my week has been laying down, snapping at everyone, and handing out time-outs like free candy. Not to mention my cravings for sweets has gotten so bad, it’s hard to have an appetite for anything else. The other day I spent $8 on candy at the Dollar Tree! Needless to say, it’s gone.

I find myself being weak not only to my cravings, but also to worries that keep creeping in. Worrying is normal for pregnant women, but it’s so time-consuming and a complete waste. Even things I’ve been told are not worrisome I worry about. Maybe I should consult some of you moms?

Okay, Numero uno: Since about 14-15 weeks, I’ve had what feels like Braxton Hicks. A weird tightening and pressure around my stomach, mostly lower. I know Braxton Hicks don’t start until later in pregnancy, so is it something else? Or is this normal?

Second: When I was pregnant with Rayne, I was showing quite a bit by 19-20 weeks. This time around, You can’t tell unless you know. Not to mention my stomach is different sizes everyday! Some days I look pregnant, some days I just look like I put on weight…in the form of a muffin top >: ( My stomach isn’t even hard like it was the first time…just fat-ish. Which doesn’t help my constant fear of getting fat.

I’m hoping one of you mommies can put my mind at ease since the doctors have yet to do so. Of course, I know I could sound totally psycho. I know every pregnancy is different. But that doesn’t make me worry less. Any help for a worry wort mom?

19 Weeks And Counting.

10 Jun

Finally getting closer to the half way mark! As time goes on (quickly), I’m getting less stressed and more excited. I’ve received all 19 cloth diapers plus accessories. Suddenly, it’s all feeling ….real. As if the random nudges from inside weren’t real enough. Even with the constant shift between high and low making my head spin, my baby excitement is so far steady. Which is good, because nothing else is going very well right now.

That shaky relationship I’ve mentioned, has since fallen over the edge and is currently on hardly speaking terms. As upsetting as that may seem, that’s how it has to be right now. Besides, I have plenty to keep me busy with my have-to-be-making-noise-and-doing-something-dangerous-at-all-times toddler. With a ton of relationship crap off of my shoulders, I have more space in my mind to deal with myself, baby stuff, and Rayne. Even though that’s still a bit to carry around at the moment, it’s still much better without added on stress.


All I want/need to do right now is focus on my girl, my baby and myself. Does that sound selfish? Because it doesn’t feel selfish.

My Main Current Goals:

  • Find some sort of online work I’m able to do to bring in extra cash.
  • Stay healthy and active.
  • Spend special time with my number one while I can.

Other than that, I don’t see anything else I’d rather focus on. BTW, So excited for the gender reveal this Friday!!!!

Fighting My Fear Of Pregnancy Weight Gain.

25 May

Gaining weight is a natural part of being pregnant. You don’t even really have to try at all, you WILL gain weight. I wish someone had told me that during my first pregnancy. But, instead, I ate whatever I wanted in large amounts. Yes, I could eat two sausage egg and cheese McMuffins and still want more. Yes, I would eat two bacon cheese burgers in one sitting. I ate whatever, whenever. And gained 55 pounds. After I gave birth, I realized how much unnecessary weight I had gained. It was terrible. I felt so ugly and gross and it was not falling off. I got stuck at 162 pounds. My pre-pregnancy weight was 130. I was 32 pounds over my original weight, and where I wanted to be. But feeling gross wasn’t enough to kick my ass into gear. For the first 7 months, I drank soda and energy drinks everyday, ate anything I wanted, including one or two delicious chicken chimichangas a day. Finally, one day, something woke me up. And I decided to take control of my health and stop feeling sorry for myself for being gross.

I worked really hard at counting calories and making better choices. I forced myself to be way more active than before. I was walking up to 3-4 hours a day, plus off and on workouts in the house. After dropping 15 pounds I stopped counting calories and just kept up with being active and being mindful of what I eat. I started in June of 2011 and by that winter I was 30 pounds lighter. The stubborn 2 pounds stuck on for some extra months, but I shook them off eventually. I was so relieved to be healthy again. I felt so good that I set my mind to it, and got it done.

Now, I have to gain weight, and the pounds are not hesitating to jump on. Even though I know it’s part of pregnancy, I’m having a hard time accepting it. As I put on pound after pound (up 9 lbs now), I’m not feeling like a healthy pregnant woman, I’m feeling fat and gross. It’s stressing me out that I have to gain weight. I know I shouldn’t worry about it and just be healthy, and I am trying to be healthy and active, but I’m still so afraid of gaining too much again. I already feel overweight and insecure. I keep hoping that once my belly is more apparent I wont feel so bad about it, but I’m not really sure if I will ease up on myself.

How can I fight these fears? I’m being healthy but it doesn’t seem like enough. Even though I only put on 2 pounds in a month (healthy), It makes me cringe. Is there any get over this? I can’t be the only crazy woman feeling this way, right?

Bad Checkup Turned Great.

25 May

Yesterday was my 16 week check up with my doctor. I got a call that morning that she would not be in and I had a choice whether to reschedule or see another doctor that was in. I didn’t want to wait and I had questions so I agreed to see another doctor. I was a little nervous because I hadn’t seen another doctor before. But I was eager to have my questions answered.

We got to the office and were invited back fairly quickly. The nurse was a woman I had never met before and she seemed shy and uneasy, which didn’t help me feel more comfortable. I was happy to find I had only gained 2 pounds since my last appointment. My weight gain is slowing down, which is good. She took us to the very last room, where we waited….and waited. We had both Rayne and the BD’s son with us. A two year old and a one year old. We must look like we can’t control ourselves. While we waited, little Izaak (BD’s son) had a poopy accident to which I was informed BD forgot diapers. So we all sat in there with the stink, waiting. The kids were getting antsy so he decided to take them out to the play area to keep them busy. I was relieved because the craziness was stressing me out. While they were gone the awkward nurse came back with a basket of tubes. I knew that meant I was getting blood drawn. I wasn’t informed before hand at all, and she just walked in and was going to just get it done. In surprise, I explained that I am really bad at getting my blood drawn. I panic, and nearly faint. After that she left the room. About a minute later BD walks in with the kids and I sighed with relief. I needed their support and distraction if I was getting blood drawn. Then, another nurse walks in to draw my blood (I suppose the quiet one didn’t think she could handle the job with a near fainter). I was glad the new nurse came in because she had done it the time before and it wasn’t bad at all. While I laid back and tried to steady my breathing, Rayne came over to my side and stretched in for a kiss to calm her mommy, while BD held my hand. There was the first pinch, then soon it was over. I was a little light headed, but nowhere near how bad I’ve gotten before. Perhaps I’m getting better at it? The trainee who was shadowing the nurse brought me a water and some stickers for the kids.

After I regained my stability, we continued to wait…and wait. We probably waited an hour after that for the doctor. She finally walked in and was very open and kind. She brought in papers from a previous test and showed me while explaining everything to me. She explained that, basically, our baby looks very healthy and all the tests are coming back perfect, as good as it can be. I was very glad and surprised that she took the time to explain everything to me without me asking. It made me feel a lot better. My doctor, although I love her, probably just would’ve said, “They were all normal”, instead of going into detail. So, I feel like maybe I was meant to see this certain doctor at my height of worrying. She eased my stress and made me feel a lot better. I asked her my questions and she assured me everything is normal. We then got to listen to the baby’s heartbeat. I looked at Rayne and said, “There it is! The heartbeat.”, she smiled and was surprised she could her it so loudly.

After She was finished she advised me to invest in some maternity pants, because my skinny jeans had left a mark on my belly. I agree. I thanked the doctor and we went out to schedule our next appointment along with the ultrasound to learn the gender! I’m very excited for June 14th. Over all the appointment went well and really helped ease my worried mind, even though we had to wait forever. 🙂

My Sweet Cravings.

23 May

Having cravings during pregnancy is completely normal. Some women crave absurd combinations (I never understood the ice cream and pickles thing). Some women are lucky and crave something healthy. Unfortunately, I’m not one of those lucky women. My cravings happen to be nothing but rich, sweet desserts.


No matter what I eat, I want something in the category of the above photo. A rich milkshake, cheesecake, apple pie, my go-to candy bar, Almond Joy, ice cream, and I’d kill for some truffles. Yesterday I treated myself to an amazing chocolate milkshake from Carl’s Jr, and was actually surprised by the goodness. The thick, rich, chocolatey goodness.


This ^ is the wonderful shake I just described. It was a beautiful moment. Yes, it is 690 calories, but hey, I can treat myself every now and then! Even after I enjoyed this, I wanted another one later. Don’t worry, I didn’t do it.

I’m trying very hard to be good and not let myself get carried away with my cravings, because I know if I did, it would be bad news for my weight gain. I gain weight very easily, so watching what I eat is very important. I gained too much with my first pregnancy (55 lbs), and I wont allow myself to do that again. But, the fight is not easy, I can tell you that much.


I’m hoping I’m able to stay strong and fight the good fight. But, man, is it hard.

At least it has fruit on it?

At least it has fruit on it?


Any advice on fighting not-so-healthy cravings?

16 Weeks And Counting.

19 May


Sunday, the 18th, I will be entering my 16th week of this pregnancy. This pregnancy has had some major downs, and few ups. But I’m finally starting to feel a difference. As my nausea is reduced to a few certain unmentionable foods, and my rocky relationship is on the mend (well, trying to), I feel a lightness come over me and my cloud of depression ease.

I’ve really been sticking to being much healthier and staying active. I walk an hour a day for at least 5-6 days a week. I do take a day out of the week to be a little loose on the rules (last night I had a Carl’s Jr. Star Burger and 3/4 of a Six Dollar Burger. No regrets). My relationship has been a huge source of stress lately. We’re taking the steps we need to work on our issues, and although it is hard and I mostly want to strangle him, It eases my mind to know we both love each other enough to work it out.

The weeks seem to fly by and before I know it this baby is as big as an avocado (or whatever fruit or vegetable). In a few weeks we’ll be able to learn the gender, Which is very exciting *anyone wanna take bets?*. And Rayne is VERY excited to be a big sister.


Anyways, my point is, there were many times I thought it wasn’t going to get easier, but I was wrong. And I hope things continue to get better so I can enjoy this pregnancy and send tons of love to my growing baby.

Placenta Encapsulation: Worth it?

13 May

mothering.com edited photo of placenta green

There are a lot of negative points to this pregnancy, and I’ve talked a lot about them. But there are a few good points, too. The biggest, I think, is being aware of all my options as a pregnant woman. Whether it be with different activities to keep healthy, foods to eat, all the different choices we have to decide between concerning a birth plan, and what to do with the placenta.

Yes, I said placenta. When I had Rayne, all I knew about having a baby was: go to the hospital, decide if you want an epidural or not, then push a baby out. I didn’t know home birth was a real option, I didn’t know some people actually take home their placenta. All these options have me interested and open. I know I want an epidural. Not because I want to be pain free. But because I remember how out of it I was before having the epidural with Rayne, and how great everything went after I had it. After I was relieved of the pain I clearly wasn’t ready for, I could focus on what was going on. I was about to bring my daughter into the world. I was completely coherent and aware while pushing, and was able to enjoy it and take it all in. I know women who gave birth with no epidural at all, and had a great experience and were able to enjoy it . But I’m not sure I’d be one of those women. So, I’m sticking with what I know.


Now, concerning the placenta. Some like to take it home, and bury it beneath a “birth tree”. Some cook it up and eat it. I’ve even heard of placenta chocolates. But the one I’m most interested in, is placenta encapsulation. Encapsulation is when someone who is trained, takes your placenta for you, and encapsulates them into pill form using a technique of your choice. This is something I’m really interested in. In fact, I already told BD (baby’s Daddy) that I AM doing this. But, then it set in that it will cost $150 from a very tight baby budget. I want to be sure this is worth the price.

Has anyone had their placenta encapsulated? What did you think? Worth the money?

I Think I Jinxed Myself.

11 May

In my last post, I complained about all the stress and fears forcing their way upon me. I was really hoping it would get better from there on out. But, not as a surprise to myself, things managed to get worse. As I struggle daily to reject the ever looming depression, and try to stay awake, I seem to have lost all control over my relationship. And in turn, lost the relationship all together. Break ups are hard enough. But breaking up while you’re pregnant is slightly worse.

I’m typically not the type to be all about relationships. I’m one of those people who are better alone and can’t seem to function correctly in a relationship. In fact, it took me three years to decide to be in an official relationship with my best friend and the man I love dearly. But, loving someone and having the guts to go for it, isn’t enough. Since I’ve been pregnant, a wedge has planted itself between us and has only gotten wider and stronger. Unfortunately, it suddenly came to a head. Mistakes were made, nasty words were said, and now we sit on opposite sides of the fence. Of course my hormones had me crying a lot (I’m usually  not a crier). Apologies were said, some things were straightened out, but the end result remains the same.

There are several things that bother me about this separation. One, obviously not being able to have a good relationship with someone I once called my best friend, is not fun. Two, here I am, single and pregnant, AGAIN. Wont my family be so proud. And three, what feels the worst, my daughter who has bonded so well with him, will be wondering where he is and missing him like crazy. My daughter’s biological father is hardly in her life at all. His extent of being a father is paying child support (which I do appreciate), but that’s as far as it goes. The other day, Rayne told me she doesn’t like her dad, because he doesn’t hug or kiss her, he doesn’t play with her or tell her he loves her. I’m not sure if these things are true, but she feels that they are. Rayne’s only chance to see him is once a week when his mom picks her up for their weekend weekly girl’s sleep over. I don’t know how often he is there or what goes on. But I know she isn’t happy with him, but she is happy with the one who’s been there to play with her and enjoy her company. It kills me that she has to suffer because of us. Although he would like to stay in her life and has always been willing to play the dad part for her, I know she wont be seeing much of him due to our issues.

We both love each other very much. And we’re both hoping to work on ourselves and maybe rebuild our friendship. And hopefully in result, be able to be together and handle a relationship someday. Thing is, someday doesn’t help take away what we’re all feeling right now. I was finally feeling like the depression was getting lighter before this, but again, it has set in. I see the fears and the stress and the struggles, taking over my thoughts and not allowing me to enjoy my pregnancy or my toddler.

Any advise for a pregnant mommy with the relationship blues?

Will it get better?

8 May

At 14 and a half weeks pregnant with baby number two, of course I’m carrying quite a bit of fears. I know things are going to get a lot more difficult when the new baby comes. Having a toddler is hard enough, but having a toddler and a baby is going to be exhausting. I don’t like thinking about the stress of the future. But it’s been hitting me harder lately, mostly due to the fact that my first bundle of joy is a little less joyous. My sweet almost 3-year-old has been a fit throwing, screaming, whining, bossy, energizer bunny. Not to mention the pressure of a rocky relationship. Draining me of the very little energy I have left.

I’m not sure how I’m going to handle it all. I’m already so tired and hardly have the patience to deal with everything that’s happening now. The stress keeps building and it’s only getting harder to manage. I’m keeping healthy, and plan on keeping up with staying active and doing yoga. But it hasn’t taken the stress away. I’m really worrying that it’s going to be even harder than I expected in the first place. I can see it now: A new baby in my arms, a screaming toddler at my feet, and the dark circles under my eyes.

How am I going to pull this off?

%d bloggers like this: