Tag Archives: Sad

Help! My Blog Is Dying.

23 Sep

 True: I haven’t been blogging as much as I would like to. Which is causing my blog to die a not-so-slow death. It’s sad, and pathetic, I know. So many other moms (much cooler/funnier/wittier/more interesting than myself) have GREAT blogs that people look forward to reading, and I only witness them becoming more and more popular. While my tiny little nobody blog sits in a corner and pouts with hardly any readers.

At this point, in all honesty, I’m wondering why I started this blog and left my previous blog behind. Yes, That blog slowed severely as well, due to my lack of blogging (I know, I’m the problem). But, for some reason I felt like starting over instead of nurturing what I had, which was my first real blog, and more “me“. Not that this blog isn’t “me“, I just notice now that I had been trying to force a blog that was a mixture of myself, and little bits and pieces of other mom blogs I admire. Am I the only mom blogger that is insecure about not only her coolness, but her blogging abilities as well? With another failed blog under arm, I’m feeling like that kid at the empty lunch table that no one is really interested in paying attention to because there are so many other cool people to hang with. This very well be largely due to my blogging dry spells. Yeah, yeah, you gotta keep up with it. But, hey, I’m a mom. I got things goin’ on.

Anyways, as much as I was hopeful of this blog opening doors for me, it hasn’t taken off. In fact, I had more readers with my old blog, where I just said whatever the hell was on my mind and didn’t try to fit everything in a box. Therefore, I’m feeling the need to go back to my old blog, and laying this one to rest.

I very much appreciate the readers I’ve had, the comments, advice, etc. And if you don’t already follow my old blog, I would really like you to!


I will be trying to keep up with blogging as much as I can, and also updating my pregnancy.  Come follow me!!!

Watching My Pregnancy Go From Care-Free To High Risk In One Day.

12 Sep

On Tuesday, September 10th, my “Birth Plan” and any hopes of having a completely natural labor and delivery went out the window. I had been so confident and actually looking forward to an awesome birth experience. Suddenly, In one day, it was taken away and replaced with fear, confusion, and near panic. Not to mention a deep sadness. 

In my last update post, I mentioned some itching I’ve been having on my hands and feet. I told my doctor and she told me there are two kinds of itching in pregnancy: The tummy itch, with or without rash, and itching from Cholestasis. As she was explaining Cholestasis to me, she wasn’t speaking in a way that was “it might be”, she was basically telling me I have it. She ordered blood tests to check my bile acid levels, and ordered to see me every week for NST (non-stress test) for baby. That told me this wasn’t a guessing game, no “maybe”. She didn’t go too into detail, I assume on purpose. I know she wouldn’t want to scare me. She told me it isn’t THAT bad, but it is serious and potentially dangerous. I was calm, because she was calm. I always loved my doctor because she always eased my worried mind. 

I was trying to stay positive while leaving the office, and didn’t really feel too scared. But, I hadn’t really thought about reality yet either. When I got home I started my researching. I didn’t want to read the WebMD sort of thing that is always the worst case scenario. But I quickly found that every site, every article, every testimony, wasn’t far off from each other. No one was playing this down. Everything I read on Cholestasis stated it is a serious condition. 


What is Cholestasis? In short, the flow of bile (a digestive fluid in the liver), slows or stops, bile builds up and goes about the blood stream, which causes the itching. Blah blah blah. That isn’t the part I’m worried about. Here’s the serious part: The bile salt build up can be VERY dangerous for your unborn baby. My doctor only mentioned it could clog the placenta. But everything I’ve read has scarier things to say. Preterm labor, fetal distress, meconium in the amniotic fluid, and stillbirth. I was fear stricken.


Treatment for Cholestosis? Consistent fetal monitoring, blood tests to check levels (both at least once a week), perhaps some vitamin K in case of blood clotting issues which can cause severe bleeding after delivery (but is rare), a lot of people are given “Urso” to help the itching and bile flow. Some say it works, others disagree.  But the only cure for Cholestasis is giving birth. Here’s the crazy part: After giving birth, usually, neither you, nor your baby are affected by it. Most women say they felt better very quickly after birth. 

The part that bothers me (ugh..where to start), is that up until now, I thought I was healthy, that my baby was healthy and that my pregnancy was normal and that I would have a great birth experience because I had no complications. But in a day, I went from having a normal, happy pregnancy, to considered high risk. 

In the situation of Cholestasis, induction is usually the answer, unless you go into labor before hand. From what I’ve read, they don’t want you going past 37 weeks because after that point the chance of stillbirth jumps significantly. A lot of women had levels so bad, they’ve been induced at 30, 31 weeks. Obvious induction was very far from my birth plan. But honestly, when I found out the risks of having my baby in there, I couldn’t care less about my birth plan. My main focus is her well being. If that means induction or C-section (God forbid), so be it. The sad part is, after having Cholestasis, you’re at least 70% likely to have it during future pregnancies. Which means, my chances of ever having the natural home birth I dream of, are slim to none.

I haven’t gotten the results back from my blood test yet, so I don’t know how bad it is, or was at that time at least. The thing is, it’s completely unpredictable. Your levels can go from moderate to sky high within an hour. My itching has gotten worse in just a day. My heart aches for what my body is putting my baby through, not to mention this crazy itching! But it also mourns my dream of an all natural home birth. 

There is nothing I could have done to prevent this, and since I’ve never had it before, no way of knowing it was possible. There is nothing I can do now but follow my intuition, take my doctor’s advice, and do whatever is best for my growing baby. 

Have you experienced Cholestasis during pregnancy? I could use some support. 

I Think I Jinxed Myself.

11 May

In my last post, I complained about all the stress and fears forcing their way upon me. I was really hoping it would get better from there on out. But, not as a surprise to myself, things managed to get worse. As I struggle daily to reject the ever looming depression, and try to stay awake, I seem to have lost all control over my relationship. And in turn, lost the relationship all together. Break ups are hard enough. But breaking up while you’re pregnant is slightly worse.

I’m typically not the type to be all about relationships. I’m one of those people who are better alone and can’t seem to function correctly in a relationship. In fact, it took me three years to decide to be in an official relationship with my best friend and the man I love dearly. But, loving someone and having the guts to go for it, isn’t enough. Since I’ve been pregnant, a wedge has planted itself between us and has only gotten wider and stronger. Unfortunately, it suddenly came to a head. Mistakes were made, nasty words were said, and now we sit on opposite sides of the fence. Of course my hormones had me crying a lot (I’m usually  not a crier). Apologies were said, some things were straightened out, but the end result remains the same.

There are several things that bother me about this separation. One, obviously not being able to have a good relationship with someone I once called my best friend, is not fun. Two, here I am, single and pregnant, AGAIN. Wont my family be so proud. And three, what feels the worst, my daughter who has bonded so well with him, will be wondering where he is and missing him like crazy. My daughter’s biological father is hardly in her life at all. His extent of being a father is paying child support (which I do appreciate), but that’s as far as it goes. The other day, Rayne told me she doesn’t like her dad, because he doesn’t hug or kiss her, he doesn’t play with her or tell her he loves her. I’m not sure if these things are true, but she feels that they are. Rayne’s only chance to see him is once a week when his mom picks her up for their weekend weekly girl’s sleep over. I don’t know how often he is there or what goes on. But I know she isn’t happy with him, but she is happy with the one who’s been there to play with her and enjoy her company. It kills me that she has to suffer because of us. Although he would like to stay in her life and has always been willing to play the dad part for her, I know she wont be seeing much of him due to our issues.

We both love each other very much. And we’re both hoping to work on ourselves and maybe rebuild our friendship. And hopefully in result, be able to be together and handle a relationship someday. Thing is, someday doesn’t help take away what we’re all feeling right now. I was finally feeling like the depression was getting lighter before this, but again, it has set in. I see the fears and the stress and the struggles, taking over my thoughts and not allowing me to enjoy my pregnancy or my toddler.

Any advise for a pregnant mommy with the relationship blues?

Categorizing Our Children?

21 Feb


When I first came across this on Pinterest, my first thought was “Well, lets see what Rayne would be considered“, but after reading through it, I started feeling like a pretty rotten parent. My daughter doesn’t “fit” into some category. There isn’t some secret formula to raising her and meeting her needs. Not one that anyone else can teach me at least. I really got to thinking about this and the more I thought, the angrier I got. Society is constantly putting this idea into our heads that our children (and ourselves) are in these categories, their of certain groups, types, and there are certain secrets to handling them and raising them correctly. Basically feeding us the idea that our children are of products, and fit into one of a small number of divisions. And in a larger picture, creating the world we live in that divides us all into ranks, and classes.

I’ve always been vigorously against societies standards and it’s way of controlling us all with it’s “ranks” (that must be the punk rock in me). I hate the idea of conforming and giving into what they predict I will be and where I’ll go in my life. And I certainly never want my daughter to feel subjected by it. I was ashamed that my first reaction was to actually read this. I know my daughter is more than one “type”. She’s not some commodity to be used by society to it’s advantage. She is a bright, determined, caring, fun, creative, hilarious child who has a bright future in whatever SHE DECIDES to become. No book, specialist, or easy tips on raising her, will change the fact that she is a complete original. A unique human being with the whole world and every possibility in her grasp. I’ll never let her believe other wise. And neither should you! Don’t buy into this categorizing and placement and ranking. You are one in 7 billion. There is not another YOU and there never will be.

%d bloggers like this: