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Aside

Honest To Blog: Should I Go For An Au Naturel Birth?

28 Aug

Until this afternoon, the thought of me going through labor and delivery without medication, just wasn’t happening. With my first, I was given an epidural eventually (which was the plan), and I was happy with it. I almost laughed my daughter out (literally)! I was calm and collected while pushing, which lasted a very short time (maybe 5 pushes). Of course I was expecting to go for the epidural this go ’round as well. But there were many things I had already planned to do differently.

I definitely wanted to go without an epidural as long as I could…..but sticking that thing in RIGHT when I request it. I also would prefer to move about as much as I can, but how can I do that with the God awful IV in which is required if getting an epidural? I also really would like to try the tub for pain relief before epidural time. But upon my research (I love my research), I found most second time births go a lot quicker than the first time. Most women even cut the time in half! Now, how can I have my freedom to try what I’d like without running out of time for my lovely net of pain relief when the going gets too tough? It makes me feel like I have to have either-or. 

I really don’t want to spend my whole labor with everything hooked on to me, while I feel nothing. Main reason being: I’m a pride seeking person. I want to be proud of myself and push myself and come out the other end accomplished. I know I would feel like a whimpy loser if I didn’t let myself go to my limit. Not that there is anything wrong with that method. It’s just not something I want for my experience.

I was, dare I say, semi proud after giving birth to Rayne. I did experience pain. I was upset that I was pressured into being drugged up, but it didn’t stop the pain. I remember a moment after whatever they had given me had worn off, and I was laying on my side being prepped for the epidural. A strong contraction came on and I just thought to myself, “Breathe, focus.”, and that I did. I held tightly to the bed railing and controlled my breathing, and worked with the contraction that also brought the breaking of my water. After the contraction, the nurse gave me a “Good girl!”. I felt controlled, and calmly said, “My water broke.”, she checked, and was surprised to see I was right (I think I know when it feels like a water balloon had popped inside me).

That one memory is what fuels me to believe I CAN do it without medication. Throughout this pregnancy my main excuse for an epidural wasn’t the contractions, it was the fear of what comes with pushing and delivering. I’ve watched those baby story shows, labor videos, etc. “Ahhh! It burns, it burns!”, I don’t want to feel any burning, or ripping in half! It’s a very scary thought. And not only that, but I was so calm while I pushed with Rayne. What if I’m out of control and traumatized or something?? Would I be just as happy right after? Or would I be in complete shock?

What made me consider a natural birth? My mom. She told me how she had me and most of my sisters, naturally. She said she was fine right after and forgot about the pain. It gave me a new view on natural birth. My mom can do it. Why can’t I? I picture myself fighting through labor and ending in victory and the feeling of “I rock” overwhelming me. How empowering to experience real natural birth?! I want to be empowered and victorious. Could I really do a natural birth and make it out alive, or maybe even sane?

Did you have a natural birth?? Any advice?

Aside

My Biggest Fear As Of Now.

21 Aug

It’s no secret that I could be qualified as a worry wort. I have always suffered from anxiety. I have my calm times, when I manage to control any worry I have. But, then I have times when my worries tend to pile up and stress becomes overwhelming. This entire pregnancy I have bounced back and forth between being strangely calm, almost numb, to worrying about every little difference between this pregnancy and my last. For the most part I’ve been able to conquer them all. However, the stress and worry that comes with the third trimester is definitely too big and pressuring to stifle. So much so, that they continue to show themselves in my dreams.

My biggest fear as of now, is that I wont be successful at breastfeeding

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When I had Rayne, breastfeeding was important to me, but I didn’t have the information, resources or the support to succeed. I tried and had a hard time with having no experience, not a good latcher, no one to help me or encourage me, and the first night home, ended up giving her formula. I spent a month pumping and giving her formula. It hurt me because, well, as they say, breast IS best. I couldn’t give my baby the best. What was suppose to come so natural. I failed. I am glad she was able to get as much as she did in the first 6 weeks from my pumping, but I always beat myself up about not succeeding in giving her what she deserved, the best.
With another chance to succeed on the way, I fear I’ll have the same (if not worse) disappointing failure. It’s so important to me to breastfeed, that I refuse to even buy bottles or formula. I don’t even want to give myself the option, because I know there will be a long period of weakness accompanied by exhaustion, stress, etc. And I refuse to give up, again. The difference now, is I have been opened up to the world of mom/breastfeeding blogs, forums, support groups, etc. I may not have breastfeeding support in my daily life, but I do online (which is to not be underestimated). I read about, speak with, and see photos of countless moms succeeding at breastfeeding and making it the big deal it should be. Not in the “Oh my God, she’s really breastfeeding in public?!” Kind of big deal, but “We are woman, hear us roar!” Kind of big deal. And that’s inspiring.
But honestly, I’m pretty much shaking in my boots about the impending and inevitable attempt at my own success. I want to be one of those moms. I want to inspire someone else to have the confidence to succeed at breastfeeding. But what if I fall flat on my ass and wind up being nothing but another breastfeeding horror story, scaring women away from it? And even worse, having to deal with another round of mom guilt…?
The other night I dreamt I had my baby and suddenly had no idea how to even care for a baby, I couldn’t even hold her right, and definitely couldn’t breastfeed. I just stood there, watching her cry, thinking “What do I do!?“. But that wasn’t my first nightmare. I’m constantly dreaming I’m trying to breastfeed and it just isn’t working! She wont latch or I have no milk. It’s horrifying.
I spend hours online reading tips and other mother’s stories. But they give very little hope, as most stories have many scary parts, implying the impossible struggle, stress and pain of breastfeeding.
I’m trying my best to stay positive and gather information that will do me good when the time comes. But to be honest, I’m officially in full on freak out mode.
Help?!

Is It Too Much To Ask?/Update

19 Aug

29 weeks and 1 day. 75 days to go. 11 weeks left. Whoa.

It’s gone by so quickly. In my stressful first trimester, and stress-free second trimester, all I wanted was to enjoy this pregnancy without wishing it away so quickly. Now, it’s a different story.

I forgot how trying the third trimester is, especially during summer. It really is true when they say “The honeymoon phase is over”. Between my sleepless nights, severe lack of energy, constant irritability, and sweating my ass (and boobs) off, I just want to have this baby and NOT be pregnant. 

The stress is back and consuming as ever. After being exhausted all day, the second I lay my head down to sleep, the constant thoughts arise. You know, the “I’m 23 and what have I really done with my life?” or “I should probably roll over in my mind all the things that could go wrong during labor, or all the bad things that can ever happen to my kids, or all the things I need to do, or how stressed I am about visiting my biological father after not seeing him for 11 years, or if I can’t get everything done in time for Rayne’s 3rd birthday THIS WEEKEND, or the fact that she’s growing up so fast and it makes me sad because one day my girls will be 16 and most likely hate my guts, or, hey, what if I never get a real career and just continue sucking at life forever????”. Then there is the restless leg syndrom making falling asleep amazingly difficult. Oh, don’t forget the nightly dreams of having my baby and completely forgetting how to care for a baby at all. 

Then there is just the day to day struggle of being alive. I have no energy to clean and do chores and play with my toddler. I hardly do yoga anymore, besides a few stretches here and there to help relieve leg cramps. I do continue to walk, but hardly make it a whole hour due to my aching feet and back, the cramping under the weight of my belly and the fact that I usually have to pee. 

Everyday is a struggle. And the weight of it all (physically, emotionally and mentally) makes it very difficult to even attempt a good mood.

All I want is a healthy baby, a happy toddler, relaxation, and a peace of mind. Is that too much to ask?

Long Time, No Post. Update.

1 Aug

Yikes. I haven’t posted anything in quite some time. Mostly due to not having a laptop/desktop to use. Anywho….First things first:

PREGNANCY UPDATE:
Week: 26 and 3 days.
– Growing Belly, Growing Baby, Crazy Nesting, Restless Leg Syndrom, Lot of movement.
How am I doing on my “staying healthy” business? So-So. I do yoga every morning, and take a walk every evening. Although, my walks have become shorter because of this annoying pain I get in my belly while walking now. But, I’m still staying active, and that’s the point. Eating wise….not doing so great. Yeah, I try to stick to healthier choices, but recently I seem to be bouncing between having no appetite and having an appetite for something I shouldn’t be eating.

Now, mentally how am I holding up? Good…I think. I’m excited for my little bundle of joy to join us. But, I also can’t believe how fast this pregnancy seems to be going by. This Sunday I will be 7 months. Entering my third trimester. Already!? It’s crazy to think I just have a few months left, and I know they will fly by. But, I’m also jumping out of my skin to meet this little girl and hold her in my arms.

Relationship Update: Still single, and happy. Although my friendship with this baby’s father has faded, and we hardly talk (and when we do, it’s uncomfortable), I don’t feel like ending the relationship was the wrong thing to do. I feel much better, less stressed, without it weighing on me. Yes, he will be at the birth (at least that’s the plan), and I’m sure he’ll be around quite a bit once she’s born.

Oh, Yeah…..I forgot to mention….It’s a GIRL!!! 🙂

This mama is happy, healthy, and doing just fine. I hope to post more often!

Worry Wort Mom.

12 Jun

With Friday being the most exciting day in quite a long time, this week seems to be dragging on purposely. I just want it to be Friday so I can see my baby once again on that screen AND see the gender. Is that not one of the most exciting parts of pregnancy!? As I wait…and wait, I feel my energy draining more and more day by day, and my mood gets worse by the minute. Of course when I have no energy Rayne has to test my limits. So, most of my week has been laying down, snapping at everyone, and handing out time-outs like free candy. Not to mention my cravings for sweets has gotten so bad, it’s hard to have an appetite for anything else. The other day I spent $8 on candy at the Dollar Tree! Needless to say, it’s gone.

I find myself being weak not only to my cravings, but also to worries that keep creeping in. Worrying is normal for pregnant women, but it’s so time-consuming and a complete waste. Even things I’ve been told are not worrisome I worry about. Maybe I should consult some of you moms?

Okay, Numero uno: Since about 14-15 weeks, I’ve had what feels like Braxton Hicks. A weird tightening and pressure around my stomach, mostly lower. I know Braxton Hicks don’t start until later in pregnancy, so is it something else? Or is this normal?

Second: When I was pregnant with Rayne, I was showing quite a bit by 19-20 weeks. This time around, You can’t tell unless you know. Not to mention my stomach is different sizes everyday! Some days I look pregnant, some days I just look like I put on weight…in the form of a muffin top >: ( My stomach isn’t even hard like it was the first time…just fat-ish. Which doesn’t help my constant fear of getting fat.

I’m hoping one of you mommies can put my mind at ease since the doctors have yet to do so. Of course, I know I could sound totally psycho. I know every pregnancy is different. But that doesn’t make me worry less. Any help for a worry wort mom?

19 Weeks And Counting.

10 Jun

Finally getting closer to the half way mark! As time goes on (quickly), I’m getting less stressed and more excited. I’ve received all 19 cloth diapers plus accessories. Suddenly, it’s all feeling ….real. As if the random nudges from inside weren’t real enough. Even with the constant shift between high and low making my head spin, my baby excitement is so far steady. Which is good, because nothing else is going very well right now.

That shaky relationship I’ve mentioned, has since fallen over the edge and is currently on hardly speaking terms. As upsetting as that may seem, that’s how it has to be right now. Besides, I have plenty to keep me busy with my have-to-be-making-noise-and-doing-something-dangerous-at-all-times toddler. With a ton of relationship crap off of my shoulders, I have more space in my mind to deal with myself, baby stuff, and Rayne. Even though that’s still a bit to carry around at the moment, it’s still much better without added on stress.

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All I want/need to do right now is focus on my girl, my baby and myself. Does that sound selfish? Because it doesn’t feel selfish.

My Main Current Goals:

  • Find some sort of online work I’m able to do to bring in extra cash.
  • Stay healthy and active.
  • Spend special time with my number one while I can.

Other than that, I don’t see anything else I’d rather focus on. BTW, So excited for the gender reveal this Friday!!!!

My Decision To Cloth Diaper.

31 May

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Before this past week, I was one of those people who would never consider cloth diapering. If you cloth diaper, cool for you, that’s your thing, not mine. My opposition to cloth diapering was based purely on my lack of information. My mother cloth diapered with me because I have majorly sensitive skin. But I’ve always had this picture of cloth diapering in my head of hand washing poopy cloths in the sink or spraying them off with the hose in the front yard. Then having to wrap my baby up in some rag type material and pin it up with those huge old school safety pins.

My mind was opened to cloth diapering in the last week during a quiz I was taking on a website that asks some questions, then puts together a checklist for you to consider going by while getting ready for baby. One question asked if I was going to cloth diaper, I usually would have answered a quick, “No”. But for some reason I paused and really considered it. After I left the site, I started researching cloth diapering. I was surprised by how many kinds, and brands there are. It was more complicated in some ways, than I expected. But I was relieved to see that It was actually something I know I could handle, and love doing. So I started asking current cloth diaperers they’re thoughts. Everyone was really supportive and gave me tons of information.

I searched and searched and asked question after question until I finally settled on what brands, what styles and what I’m going to spend.

It’s common sense that cloth diapering saves a lot of money. So, lets look at exact numbers.

When I used disposables with Rayne, I started out with Pampers, until I realized how expensive they really are ($30.99 for a 96ct box of newborns), so I switched to Luvs which are also expensive ($15-$35 depending on size and quantity). Eventually I started buying store brands which were anywhere between $9.99 (smallest pack) to $25. By the time Rayne was in pull-ups, I was spending $16 every two weeks on a pack.

0-3 Month old babies go through about 10-12 diapers a day at .17 cents per diaper. Lets give them the benefit of the doubt and add up 10 diapers a day for 90 days: 900 diapers. That’s $153 for 3 months. At 3-12 months babies use 8-10 diapers a day. Say they are in a size 3 diaper in that time frame. Which goes for .21 cents per diaper. That’s 2,160 diapers and $453.60. 12-30 months use 7-8 diapers a day at .25 cents a diaper. That’s 3,780 diapers and $945. A total of $1,551.60 and that’s low balling.

Today I spent $209.18 buying all the cloth diapers and inserts I will need. That’s 6 gDiapers, 12 Pocket diapers, 12 inserts for the pocket, a pack of 105ct liners for gDiapers, a 12 pack of cloth re-usable inserts for gDiapers plus a free Pocket diaper. The gDiapers are in small, but the best part about cloth diapers is you can re-sell them for up to $12-$15 a piece (depending on the condition of course). So, when the time comes to size up, sell the smalls and use that money for bigger sizes. Even counting the extra 2-3 loads of laundry I’ll be doing a week, it’s still amazing savings.

Another super plus: when Rayne wore disposables she would always get these painful boils on her bottom. I didn’t know why she would get them and the doctor didn’t give me a real explanation. After she switched to panties, she hasn’t had one. I’m assuming she just has sensitive skin like her mommy. Neither of us can even wear band aids. So, This will ensure this baby wont have to deal with irritation.

I’m really confident that this is the right decision for our little family. I hope to rock this cloth diapering thing and encourage other parents to try it out in the name of savings! Not to mention how environmentally friendly it is.

Tell me about your cloth diapering experiences!

Fighting My Fear Of Pregnancy Weight Gain.

25 May

Gaining weight is a natural part of being pregnant. You don’t even really have to try at all, you WILL gain weight. I wish someone had told me that during my first pregnancy. But, instead, I ate whatever I wanted in large amounts. Yes, I could eat two sausage egg and cheese McMuffins and still want more. Yes, I would eat two bacon cheese burgers in one sitting. I ate whatever, whenever. And gained 55 pounds. After I gave birth, I realized how much unnecessary weight I had gained. It was terrible. I felt so ugly and gross and it was not falling off. I got stuck at 162 pounds. My pre-pregnancy weight was 130. I was 32 pounds over my original weight, and where I wanted to be. But feeling gross wasn’t enough to kick my ass into gear. For the first 7 months, I drank soda and energy drinks everyday, ate anything I wanted, including one or two delicious chicken chimichangas a day. Finally, one day, something woke me up. And I decided to take control of my health and stop feeling sorry for myself for being gross.

I worked really hard at counting calories and making better choices. I forced myself to be way more active than before. I was walking up to 3-4 hours a day, plus off and on workouts in the house. After dropping 15 pounds I stopped counting calories and just kept up with being active and being mindful of what I eat. I started in June of 2011 and by that winter I was 30 pounds lighter. The stubborn 2 pounds stuck on for some extra months, but I shook them off eventually. I was so relieved to be healthy again. I felt so good that I set my mind to it, and got it done.

Now, I have to gain weight, and the pounds are not hesitating to jump on. Even though I know it’s part of pregnancy, I’m having a hard time accepting it. As I put on pound after pound (up 9 lbs now), I’m not feeling like a healthy pregnant woman, I’m feeling fat and gross. It’s stressing me out that I have to gain weight. I know I shouldn’t worry about it and just be healthy, and I am trying to be healthy and active, but I’m still so afraid of gaining too much again. I already feel overweight and insecure. I keep hoping that once my belly is more apparent I wont feel so bad about it, but I’m not really sure if I will ease up on myself.

How can I fight these fears? I’m being healthy but it doesn’t seem like enough. Even though I only put on 2 pounds in a month (healthy), It makes me cringe. Is there any get over this? I can’t be the only crazy woman feeling this way, right?

Bad Checkup Turned Great.

25 May

Yesterday was my 16 week check up with my doctor. I got a call that morning that she would not be in and I had a choice whether to reschedule or see another doctor that was in. I didn’t want to wait and I had questions so I agreed to see another doctor. I was a little nervous because I hadn’t seen another doctor before. But I was eager to have my questions answered.

We got to the office and were invited back fairly quickly. The nurse was a woman I had never met before and she seemed shy and uneasy, which didn’t help me feel more comfortable. I was happy to find I had only gained 2 pounds since my last appointment. My weight gain is slowing down, which is good. She took us to the very last room, where we waited….and waited. We had both Rayne and the BD’s son with us. A two year old and a one year old. We must look like we can’t control ourselves. While we waited, little Izaak (BD’s son) had a poopy accident to which I was informed BD forgot diapers. So we all sat in there with the stink, waiting. The kids were getting antsy so he decided to take them out to the play area to keep them busy. I was relieved because the craziness was stressing me out. While they were gone the awkward nurse came back with a basket of tubes. I knew that meant I was getting blood drawn. I wasn’t informed before hand at all, and she just walked in and was going to just get it done. In surprise, I explained that I am really bad at getting my blood drawn. I panic, and nearly faint. After that she left the room. About a minute later BD walks in with the kids and I sighed with relief. I needed their support and distraction if I was getting blood drawn. Then, another nurse walks in to draw my blood (I suppose the quiet one didn’t think she could handle the job with a near fainter). I was glad the new nurse came in because she had done it the time before and it wasn’t bad at all. While I laid back and tried to steady my breathing, Rayne came over to my side and stretched in for a kiss to calm her mommy, while BD held my hand. There was the first pinch, then soon it was over. I was a little light headed, but nowhere near how bad I’ve gotten before. Perhaps I’m getting better at it? The trainee who was shadowing the nurse brought me a water and some stickers for the kids.

After I regained my stability, we continued to wait…and wait. We probably waited an hour after that for the doctor. She finally walked in and was very open and kind. She brought in papers from a previous test and showed me while explaining everything to me. She explained that, basically, our baby looks very healthy and all the tests are coming back perfect, as good as it can be. I was very glad and surprised that she took the time to explain everything to me without me asking. It made me feel a lot better. My doctor, although I love her, probably just would’ve said, “They were all normal”, instead of going into detail. So, I feel like maybe I was meant to see this certain doctor at my height of worrying. She eased my stress and made me feel a lot better. I asked her my questions and she assured me everything is normal. We then got to listen to the baby’s heartbeat. I looked at Rayne and said, “There it is! The heartbeat.”, she smiled and was surprised she could her it so loudly.

After She was finished she advised me to invest in some maternity pants, because my skinny jeans had left a mark on my belly. I agree. I thanked the doctor and we went out to schedule our next appointment along with the ultrasound to learn the gender! I’m very excited for June 14th. Over all the appointment went well and really helped ease my worried mind, even though we had to wait forever. 🙂

My Sweet Cravings.

23 May

Having cravings during pregnancy is completely normal. Some women crave absurd combinations (I never understood the ice cream and pickles thing). Some women are lucky and crave something healthy. Unfortunately, I’m not one of those lucky women. My cravings happen to be nothing but rich, sweet desserts.

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No matter what I eat, I want something in the category of the above photo. A rich milkshake, cheesecake, apple pie, my go-to candy bar, Almond Joy, ice cream, and I’d kill for some truffles. Yesterday I treated myself to an amazing chocolate milkshake from Carl’s Jr, and was actually surprised by the goodness. The thick, rich, chocolatey goodness.

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This ^ is the wonderful shake I just described. It was a beautiful moment. Yes, it is 690 calories, but hey, I can treat myself every now and then! Even after I enjoyed this, I wanted another one later. Don’t worry, I didn’t do it.

I’m trying very hard to be good and not let myself get carried away with my cravings, because I know if I did, it would be bad news for my weight gain. I gain weight very easily, so watching what I eat is very important. I gained too much with my first pregnancy (55 lbs), and I wont allow myself to do that again. But, the fight is not easy, I can tell you that much.

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I’m hoping I’m able to stay strong and fight the good fight. But, man, is it hard.

At least it has fruit on it?

At least it has fruit on it?

 

Any advice on fighting not-so-healthy cravings?

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