What I Wish I Had Done Differently in the Beginning.

13 Feb
I think I took a total of 4 photos in my pregnancy. (low quality mirror shots, I might add.)

I think I took a total of 4 photos in my pregnancy. (low quality mirror shots, I might add.)

I know everyone makes mistakes their first go-’round of most things, especially pregnancy. A lot of us don’t know what exactly to expect, or what we’re suppose to do. No one warned me how quickly it would all pass or how much I would miss having her tiny feet nudging me from the inside. With this information withheld from me, I neglected to take the necessary steps to savor the moment and document the once in a lifetime process with my daughter, that are now distant memories, only growing more distant. I’m not the maternity photo shoot type, but I regret not relishing in my pregnancy. I regret not celebrating my growing belly and baby. Or having something to show for it all.

As I sit here, eating my apple fritter, and typing these words, it’s sinking in even deeper than it has been. My little girl will only grow bigger, more independent. I will never see her on an ultrasound. I will never feel her adjusting sleeping positions in my tummy. I will never have that first moment, when I looked at her beautiful face and told her I love her for the very first time, ever again. Now, I can only toss through my mind, back and forth, the things I wish I’d done when I had the chance.

August 24th, 2010. 6lbs 5.9oz.

August 24th, 2010. 6lbs 5.9oz.

 

Throughout my labor I was completely out of it. I didn’t spend time with my family, laughing through the pain. I didn’t have someone photographing every moment, for reminder of what I endured. I only remember bits and pieces, and was totally drugged up. Being 20 years old, and a first time mother, I wasn’t asked my opinion on getting drugged up or was given any information about what they were giving me. It just happened. Although at the time I was grateful to have been taken out of my tearful, scared state, I wish I hadn’t been given whatever they had given to me. I wish I had stayed alert while fighting through contractions. I wish someone had been documenting everything, no matter how terrible I was feeling. I wish I had more information. I wish I knew.

So in love with her.

So in love with her.

 

I wish I had enjoyed my pregnancy for the beautiful, awesome experience it was. I wish I wasn’t impatient about getting her out. I wish I wasn’t in such a hurry to hold her in my arms, and took time to enjoy the sanctity of holding her in my womb.

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I wish I wrote everything down. I wish I forced myself to make the time to document, document, document. Savor, savor, savor. I wish I didn’t spend so much time as a new mother stressing out and griping over no sleep. I wish I had just let it roll how it were to roll, and soaked in the love I felt cradling her warm little body.

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I wish I had spent more time listening to her breathe and feeling her heartbeat right next to mine, and less time wishing for rest. I wish I had the patience I do now. I wish I had the mentality that I do now. I wish I could have been an incredible first time mom. I know that I was always doing my best. Only going by what I knew, and guessed on the rest. I don’t blame myself for the mistakes I made because I had no idea what I could have been doing differently. It’s always going to be difficult to think about the things I wish I had done, but will never get the chance to fix. But I cannot let it simmer inside for too long. Because I know that I am a better mother today than I was before. And I hope to only get better. I know that at the end of the day being a good mother isn’t about how many pictures I took of my belly, how well labor and birth went, or how much time I wasted wishing for sleep. It’s about the love I have for my daughter and the fact that I care enough to write this.

6 Responses to “What I Wish I Had Done Differently in the Beginning.”

  1. C. L. Parson February 13, 2013 at 7:55 pm #

    My eyes are leaking. Beautiful. We all wish we could have done it differently the first time around. My mom said that about when she had me. I think that was why she had my brother, so she could have a do-over. LOL. But seriously, you and your baby are gorgeous. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Start savoring now.

    • hernameisjordan February 13, 2013 at 9:18 pm #

      Thank you 🙂 I agree, we all experience this, just a little at least. But as long as we realize what we’re doing and what we need to do, we’ll be alright. Thanks for reading!

  2. Jen McLeod February 13, 2013 at 8:48 pm #

    Beautiful post.

  3. Theek, the Laotian Commotion February 16, 2013 at 8:30 am #

    This is beautiful, Jordan. I have so many regrets with Humnoy’s parenting. Even more so now that I have to split attention to the new Bébé. But I just remember that exactly that you said: if I care enough to talk about it (and aplogize and try again) then I must be doing something right. Our children clearly have mommies that love them deeply. That’s all that matters.

    • hernameisjordan February 16, 2013 at 6:16 pm #

      It really is. I’m glad I realized it sooner than later, to just relax and enjoy being a mom instead of seeing it as a chore.

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